[Just logged in for the first time in months and found this entry. Obviously it's not a timely post, but one that still feels relevant to me. I'm happy to report, though, that the winter, while long already, hasn't seemed as oppressive as I felt it might be in the fall.]
Several days ago I mowed my lawn for what may be the last time this season. The last few mowings of the season usually make me sad because I enjoy this outdoor chore. It's a chance to disconnect from thinking and just do what needs to be done. The noise of the mower drowns out other noises and lets my mind wander. The physical activity is a good chance to loosen my muscles that stiffen after days and hours behind a desk. My soul even rejoices in the chance to be a caretaker of a very small part of God's creation. But when daylight shortens, temperatures dip, and grass stops growing, besides meaning I won't have the pleasure of mowing, it also means I'll be shut up inside for several months. Even being the homebody that I am, I do enjoy getting out and enjoying nature, and the approaching winter feels like a punishment looming on the horizon.
In the last couple of weeks when the weather has permitted, I've also tried to sneak in some good walks with the dogs, knowing that before long neither they nor I will want to be out any longer than absolutely necessary. This too was making me sad. I enjoy the benefits of walking them - time to soak up the beauty of God's creation, a chance to meet and chat with neighbors and friends, and the opportunity to give the dogs something I know they really enjoy. We have had a summer and fall of long walks, morning and evening, as much as possible, for 30 minutes to an hour at a time. These outings have truly been good for me, body and soul, and I've been dreading the end of them, even for a season.
Overall, I've had a nearly overwhelming sense of doom and despair with this coming winter, feeling like it just may crush me, and I don't know why. I used to enjoy winter, but with the last several years have enjoyed it less and now have switched over to actively disliking it. The fear of a bad-weather accident, the pain that the cold sets into my joints and connective tissue, the short, dark days ... all these feel like too much to bear. The added realization that I may never have another spring or summer or fall with Canoodle doesn't help. He seems to be continuing his downward spiral with his muscles slowly disappearing. He is such a sweet, gentle, happy soul that the thought of no longer having him in my life is crushing.
Yet, as I was thinking these thoughts, I realized that I needed to focus not on what I may or may not be about to lose, but instead on what I've enjoyed and what I can continue to enjoy one day at a time. None of us is guaranteed another day, another season, another year. We have only this moment, and I'm determined to do all I can to soak up as much of each one as possible, not regretting the past or looking forward to a future that is unsure. True, the future may not be what I'd consider ideal; however it is just as likely or more so, to hold unforseen good things and I do not want to waste the present imagining bad things that likely won't even happen. So, as the days get shorter and I spend less time enjoying the great outdoors, I'm going to make every effort to not focus on the graceless gray of winter, but instead to be conscious of and truly thankful for all the little blessings of each day.
